Have you seen the 1987 movie “Princess Bride”? The character Vizzini repeatedly says “inconceivable!,” in situations where that word doesn’t quite apply. Finally Inigo Montoya tries to correct him, in this scene:
I do not think it means what you think it means—that’s a useful idea in recovery. It’s normal to make snap judgments about our ourselves and our environment all day long, informed by past experience. But for some of us those judgments are shaped by harmful experiences like trauma, abuse, neglect, anxiety and fear, depression, low self-worth, bullying, a hostile relationship to ourselves, etc. They powerfully skew what we believe to be happening and why, also our beliefs about who we are and what we can expect from this world. Over time those beliefs are repeatedly confirmed but rarely examined—like a car owner that never really looks at the engine under the hood. They drive everything: the self-talk in our head, who we choose as a partner, habitual facial expressions and body language, strong emotional reactions, what we notice and what we are blind to. Unexamined beliefs become false facts. And we get very sure that things mean exactly what we think they mean.
Like if you have chronic social anxiety and also have come to believe your thoughts have little value. You’re feeling anxious most of the day because you know you’re going to force yourself to go to a dinner gathering after work where you don’t know many people. When you arrive at the party and chat for a bit with the host, you notice her looking away a lot as you speak. Your impression is that she finds you boring and no one else really wants you here either. Even though she herself may just be nervous and trying to make sure everyone is having a good time, your first assessment has you sinking into shame and failure and the food hasn’t even been served yet. With your courage for starting other conversations evaporated, you’d rather escape to the bathroom and spend half the night there rather than keep trying.
In moments like these it may actually be a relief to tell yourself that you might be wrong—that you may be misinterpreting, mistaking, or exaggerating the meaning of what you are seeing or feeling or thinking. Maybe that host actually did think you were boring, but in that case what does she know, with her pretentious table settings and dry risotto? It’s more likely though that she was just distracted and insecure herself, and it might be healing to let that possibility wear away at those old beliefs about yourself. I don’t think it means what you think it means. You can say it to yourself lovingly, supportively. You can even say it in Inigo’s accent, which I’d recommend.
